Back in the saddle of doing what I feel is the best therapy for me, well besides seeing my actual therapist but that’s a given.
This past year you’ve seen me disappear a bit I presume. If you are someone that has spent time with me or watched my social media at all, you aren’t the only one that has noticed. I have seen me disappear too. Who I thought I was and who I thought I wanted to be is not anything close to what it was just 12 short months ago.
This year, I have peeled back the layers like an onion of my life, my family, my upbringing and most importantly myself. And boy howdy, HAS IT BEEN ROUGH!
My husband took a career outside of our two businesses to explore what I think he thought was his calling. The job is demanding of his time and his health both physically and mentally. So in turn, his job was demanding of my time and my health. I’d say more mentally than physically, but it all takes a toll none the less.
We went from a partnership of doing literally everything together and loving it. He did all of the day to day running of our businesses, literally ALL OF THE THINGS. From accounting…to Handy man… to toilet paper…. to shoulder for us all to cry on. From there, he would get the kids and do the dad things like dinner, baths and homework. Then I would come home and we would drink wine, snuggle and sleep in the same bed every night. Then see each other the next day everyday at work. It was perfect.
I was prepared. We were prepared. Then reality set in. POOF! I was a graveyard wife. While Eric is working 8-16 hour days, picking up the kids from school and sleeping when he can. I was to take over both businesses, three kids and the household. I am seeing my husband literally one day a week on our day off together. That one day off has turned into him working at the salon all day because I can’t get it done. Then we start it all over again. Most nights we talk on the phone like junior high students or FaceTime if he can. Not ideal to say the least.
His career in corrections is no joke. For obvious reasons, I cannot share with you the details. But these officers do not get the credit that is due, nor do their families. It is vile and exhausting. He is working more over time than we could have ever prepared for. This means I am left to pick up the pieces. Who will pick up the kids if he gets mandatory overtime? Who will make sure he can he get enough sleep so that he can function safely at his job? Who will take care of the kids if they are sick? Who will make sure the kids are still socialized and living their normal lives? Who will clean the house and make sure it is stocked with healthy fresh food? Who will be here when the kids are up in the middle of the night? Who will go to most functions alone and come home from those functions alone? Who will unload the kids from the car, get them bathed, and tucked in? Who will then unload the car? Who will go to bed alone every night?
ME.
At the end of the day, most days it’s just me. Alone. As you can imagine it’s not been easy. But wanting to be the supportive partner for better or worse, we have kept on.
This new “alone” thing, has been both a blessing and a curse. Lots of time to think, read and reflect. I had planned originally to lean on my “village”. To find support through family. But that plan went out the window early on. You see, when I was in my loneliest, darkest, and unadjusted time of this whole thing, a situation occurred in my family that has unraveled like a spool of thread the size of my head. What started as a small disagreement, a thread just barely unraveled has been taken, ran with and twisted up, creating a horrible knot that has exposed the spool and left the rest in disrepair. It has triggered everything that I have suppressed for nearly my entire life time. Crippling anxiety. Crippling anxiety, that I will never be enough or do enough to be good enough. For who? I am not really sure. But I have lost my village this past year and have clung to my Friends that have become my family. FRAMILY is what we like to call it. I have literally prayed and prayed on my knees for some sort of relief from the pain of losing what I thought was my world, and through my best friends have found more than I could have prayed for. For that I am so thankful.
It is peculiar how having your own family and wanting to raise kids that are both mentally and physically healthy adults, can make you take a look at all of your own shit. All of the things you never wanted to. All of the missing links in your own life. And to say it is hard is an understatement. Damn is it hard.
We as a family, (family meaning my 5 people) have a ton of new and once again changing things on the horizon, so stay tuned for that. Don’t worry we are stronger than ever. I love my husband more today than yesterday. His commitment to me and our family is unwavering.
Keila nicole 